On a Happier Note

On a whim, I decided to change my twitter profile picture. I choose a picture of a sculpture, outside BYU's Museum of Art. I took this in early January, while it was snowing. Someone commented on it, and I replied that I had quite a few shots of sculptures in the snow.

The exhibit is called "8-bit modern," and it is by Michael Whiting. The sculptures will be there until September 6, 2013, in case you live in Utah (or want to visit), and want to see them not covered in snow.

Here are the photos I took:

 A deer

 A floating duck

 A cat head (?)

 Floating duck from another angle

 Hiding duck

 There you are!

 Pidgin?

 Another duck

 Cat head head on

While looking for those pictures, I found these other pictures of snow that I thought I'd share with you, too. Enjoy!

My car buried in snow

 Snowy landscape, taken while my dad was driving

 Snowflakes on my car

 More snowflakes on my car

 Lots of snowflakes on my car!

 Snow on my front windshield (looking out)

 Another snowy landscape

Hoped you enjoyed these random photos of snow. In May. :^D

The In-Between Place

I'm in this in-between place. I've been here for years, it seems. I'm not really depressed, I can live a fairly normal life. I smile, I tell jokes. I do things with friends. I even have a job! But inside it feels like I'm faking it. All I want to do is stay in bed. But I don't, because I have some energy, I'm not constantly thinking about suicide, I'm ok. 

But that's the problem. I'm just ok. When I first came out of my depression-induced fog, this was great. I could smile again! There were times I was genuinely happy! Things were looking up. But, I've reached a plateau, and my mood is just...stuck. I'm not going down, but I'm not going up. And I think to myself, "really? Is this what life is supposed to be?"

Here's a little confession: I hate this in-between place. I'd rather be full-on depressed them where I am now. When I was depressed, all I could think about was suicide. My thoughts were full of how to commit suicide, or living minute by minute trying to stop myself from commuting suicide, mainly because I was in England and didn't want to put my parents through the hassle of having to ship my body home. Now that I'm out of that fog, I know that suicide is wrong, selfish, etc. and yet part of me wishes that I could go back to being that depressed, so I could actually kill myself and not feel so guilty about it. 

I know I need to see a therapist. I went and talked to my bishop about getting financial help to pay for therapy. At first he was ok with it but when I went back the following week, he told me he didn't think I needed a therapist. He told me my life was great, all I need to do is remember to "choose today to be happy," and do lots of service, and I'd be great. The thing is, it's not that simple. If I could simply "choose to be happy," I'd be happy. But I can't. I can choose to fake it, and sometimes that leads to real happiness. But mostly it doesn't. 

I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Go to a cheap therapist that I can afford, and hope he's better than my last cheap therapist? Go into debt? Go back to my bishop and beg? I honestly don't know. But I do know that I'm starting to hate my life again. And that's never a good sign. 

Lost

What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground? Do you pick up the pieces all around?

It's time to face the facts. All my dreams are shattered. Well, except the one I just completed: graduating from BYU. Other than that, everything has failed. Everything I ever wanted is gone. Out of reach. 

Perhaps not forever, but far enough into the future that I can't see them. far enough away that I don't even know which path would take me to them. I'm trying to imagine myself in 5 years, 1 year, 6 months, or heck even one month is a big fog-bank. I close my eyes and try to see where I might be in two weeks and I see nothing. 

By this time I knew that I'd be married. After all, who graduated from BYU single? No one. Or very few. But it's been over a year since someone asked me out. It's been over 8 months since I asked out a guy and he turned me down. As I look at myself, I see the shut-in I wish to become. I'm still getting over my last (and only) relationship. I wonder - who on earth would ever want to marry me? 

My main problem is that I've never wanted a career. Never. Ever. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Once upon a time I wanted to be an author but that dream is so deep and buried, I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring it back. But in any case, I never wanted to work. I never wanted a job. I only wanted to be a mom. I knew that an education was important, and I knew I wanted to graduate from BYU. But I could never figure out what I wanted to be. You could see that in my several different majors - I jumped from Photography to Accounting, Computer Science (with an Animation Emphasis!) to Home and Family Life, Math to Psychology. I did give several 'practical' majors a shot - I really tried with Accounting and Computer Science. And if I had succeeded in enjoying the classes, and being good at the subjects, I'd be able to have a reasonable career now. 

But I didn't. On a crazy whim/prompting/thought I changed my major to Psychology. And there it stayed. And there's little I can do with a Bachelor's  And my GPA is so ruined, I'm not sure I could get into a Master's program, even if I was sure that was something I wanted to do right now. 

So, I'm stuck. I picked up an application to work at a grocery store today. A college grad. Working at a grocery store for little more than minimum wage. Is this what my life has become? What my life will be? 

I feel pathetic. Like a loser. Like I should have a dream other than being married. I understand I need to be able to stand on my own. I understand that I shouldn't need a guy for me to be happy. I should be awesome and amazing on my own, and if a guy shows up, woot. But I'm not that girl. I don't know if I ever was. I'm scared to go out into the world on my own, and I don't know what to do. 

I'm just so lost.