But that's the problem. I'm just ok. When I first came out of my depression-induced fog, this was great. I could smile again! There were times I was genuinely happy! Things were looking up. But, I've reached a plateau, and my mood is just...stuck. I'm not going down, but I'm not going up. And I think to myself, "really? Is this what life is supposed to be?"
Here's a little confession: I hate this in-between place. I'd rather be full-on depressed them where I am now. When I was depressed, all I could think about was suicide. My thoughts were full of how to commit suicide, or living minute by minute trying to stop myself from commuting suicide, mainly because I was in England and didn't want to put my parents through the hassle of having to ship my body home. Now that I'm out of that fog, I know that suicide is wrong, selfish, etc. and yet part of me wishes that I could go back to being that depressed, so I could actually kill myself and not feel so guilty about it.
I know I need to see a therapist. I went and talked to my bishop about getting financial help to pay for therapy. At first he was ok with it but when I went back the following week, he told me he didn't think I needed a therapist. He told me my life was great, all I need to do is remember to "choose today to be happy," and do lots of service, and I'd be great. The thing is, it's not that simple. If I could simply "choose to be happy," I'd be happy. But I can't. I can choose to fake it, and sometimes that leads to real happiness. But mostly it doesn't.
I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Go to a cheap therapist that I can afford, and hope he's better than my last cheap therapist? Go into debt? Go back to my bishop and beg? I honestly don't know. But I do know that I'm starting to hate my life again. And that's never a good sign.
