I honestly don't know what to put here

So. My mom comes home Tuesday. That's two days. This stresses me out more than basically anything else.

Know what triggers my depression? Stress.

So. Last week was a slow downward spiral until Friday when it sped up. And I started making plans. Real plans. For suicide.

Everything hurts. And the quickest and easiest way to get rid of that hurt is to die.

Don't worry, I've talked to friends and tomorrow I'm going to find a psych ward my insurance will cover and check myself in. If there isn't one....I can't think of that right now.

Part of me is wondering if this is just attention seeking. If it's because I don't want to clean my room, or because I don't want to go to work. But that's not me. Heck, I even went to work Saturday morning. Even feeling like crap.

So, we'll see what happens in the morning. I hope I can find somewhere. Because mental illness is hard enough, trying to deal with insurance is just making me want to give up faster.

The In-Between Place

I'm in this in-between place. I've been here for years, it seems. I'm not really depressed, I can live a fairly normal life. I smile, I tell jokes. I do things with friends. I even have a job! But inside it feels like I'm faking it. All I want to do is stay in bed. But I don't, because I have some energy, I'm not constantly thinking about suicide, I'm ok. 

But that's the problem. I'm just ok. When I first came out of my depression-induced fog, this was great. I could smile again! There were times I was genuinely happy! Things were looking up. But, I've reached a plateau, and my mood is just...stuck. I'm not going down, but I'm not going up. And I think to myself, "really? Is this what life is supposed to be?"

Here's a little confession: I hate this in-between place. I'd rather be full-on depressed them where I am now. When I was depressed, all I could think about was suicide. My thoughts were full of how to commit suicide, or living minute by minute trying to stop myself from commuting suicide, mainly because I was in England and didn't want to put my parents through the hassle of having to ship my body home. Now that I'm out of that fog, I know that suicide is wrong, selfish, etc. and yet part of me wishes that I could go back to being that depressed, so I could actually kill myself and not feel so guilty about it. 

I know I need to see a therapist. I went and talked to my bishop about getting financial help to pay for therapy. At first he was ok with it but when I went back the following week, he told me he didn't think I needed a therapist. He told me my life was great, all I need to do is remember to "choose today to be happy," and do lots of service, and I'd be great. The thing is, it's not that simple. If I could simply "choose to be happy," I'd be happy. But I can't. I can choose to fake it, and sometimes that leads to real happiness. But mostly it doesn't. 

I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Go to a cheap therapist that I can afford, and hope he's better than my last cheap therapist? Go into debt? Go back to my bishop and beg? I honestly don't know. But I do know that I'm starting to hate my life again. And that's never a good sign. 

I need some advice

So, I have a problem. Yesterday I poked my head around twitter looking for a therapist. I don't want to try a BYU councilor again, besides I'm graduating! Anyway, someone recommended one and he looks pretty cool.

The problem? He doesn't bill insurance. So, I have a few options:

1- Talk to my insurance company and do the billing myself, getting reimbursed/whatever

2- Talk to my bishop and see if my church would help me pay for it

3- Just go somewhere cheaper

I mentioned option two to my mom last night and she really didn't like it. She said that my bishop would just have me go to my family first. She didn't understand why he didn't bill insurance, and couldn't understand why I didn't go to a cheaper (much cheaper, kind of charity cheap) therapist.

Anyway, she sighed and said that she and my dad would pay for it. While looking worried. I already owe them tons of money. And retirement is coming up in just a few years. They can't afford this.

Anyway, advice?