What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground? Do you pick up the pieces all around?
It's time to face the facts.
All my dreams are shattered. Well, except the one I just completed: graduating
from BYU. Other than that, everything has failed. Everything I ever wanted is
gone. Out of reach.
Perhaps not forever, but far enough into the future that I can't see them. far enough away that I don't even know which path would take me to them. I'm trying to imagine myself in 5 years, 1 year, 6 months, or heck even one month is a big fog-bank. I close my eyes and try to see where I might be in two weeks and I see nothing.
By this time I knew that I'd be married. After all, who graduated from BYU single? No one. Or very few. But it's been over a year since someone asked me out. It's been over 8 months since I asked out a guy and he turned me down. As I look at myself, I see the shut-in I wish to become. I'm still getting over my last (and only) relationship. I wonder - who on earth would ever want to marry me?
My main problem is that I've never wanted a career. Never. Ever. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Once upon a time I wanted to be an author but that dream is so deep and buried, I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring it back. But in any case, I never wanted to work. I never wanted a job. I only wanted to be a mom. I knew that an education was important, and I knew I wanted to graduate from BYU. But I could never figure out what I wanted to be. You could see that in my several different majors - I jumped from Photography to Accounting, Computer Science (with an Animation Emphasis!) to Home and Family Life, Math to Psychology. I did give several 'practical' majors a shot - I really tried with Accounting and Computer Science. And if I had succeeded in enjoying the classes, and being good at the subjects, I'd be able to have a reasonable career now.
But I didn't. On a crazy whim/prompting/thought I changed my major to Psychology. And there it stayed. And there's little I can do with a Bachelor's And my GPA is so ruined, I'm not sure I could get into a Master's program, even if I was sure that was something I wanted to do right now.
So, I'm stuck. I picked up an application to work at a grocery store today. A college grad. Working at a grocery store for little more than minimum wage. Is this what my life has become? What my life will be?
I feel pathetic. Like a loser. Like I should have a dream other than being married. I understand I need to be able to stand on my own. I understand that I shouldn't need a guy for me to be happy. I should be awesome and amazing on my own, and if a guy shows up, woot. But I'm not that girl. I don't know if I ever was. I'm scared to go out into the world on my own, and I don't know what to do.
I'm just so lost.
I wish I could open my head and pour an extra ten years' worth of perspective into you. As a SAHM of four, I'm not going to insult you by telling you that you should be grateful to be footloose and fancy free--your heartache is genuine. BUT. The world is SO big and you have SO much of it at your feet. A grocery store? That's your depression talking. You can do so much more than that. You can join the Peace Corps. You can work at a bank. You can apply for random government jobs. You can do stuff that neither of us has even imagined as a possibility. You're a young, smart, powerful college graduate! You can move from this to that, getting experience and making connections and trying new things, or you can rent a studio apartment, work as a night clerk, and spend the next year writing.
ReplyDeleteBeing a SAHM is wonderful, and if it stays your dream, I hope you get it, but in the meantime, the world is huge and wonderful and it's waiting for you! Go explore any and every bit of it that you can!