Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The In-Between Place

I'm in this in-between place. I've been here for years, it seems. I'm not really depressed, I can live a fairly normal life. I smile, I tell jokes. I do things with friends. I even have a job! But inside it feels like I'm faking it. All I want to do is stay in bed. But I don't, because I have some energy, I'm not constantly thinking about suicide, I'm ok. 

But that's the problem. I'm just ok. When I first came out of my depression-induced fog, this was great. I could smile again! There were times I was genuinely happy! Things were looking up. But, I've reached a plateau, and my mood is just...stuck. I'm not going down, but I'm not going up. And I think to myself, "really? Is this what life is supposed to be?"

Here's a little confession: I hate this in-between place. I'd rather be full-on depressed them where I am now. When I was depressed, all I could think about was suicide. My thoughts were full of how to commit suicide, or living minute by minute trying to stop myself from commuting suicide, mainly because I was in England and didn't want to put my parents through the hassle of having to ship my body home. Now that I'm out of that fog, I know that suicide is wrong, selfish, etc. and yet part of me wishes that I could go back to being that depressed, so I could actually kill myself and not feel so guilty about it. 

I know I need to see a therapist. I went and talked to my bishop about getting financial help to pay for therapy. At first he was ok with it but when I went back the following week, he told me he didn't think I needed a therapist. He told me my life was great, all I need to do is remember to "choose today to be happy," and do lots of service, and I'd be great. The thing is, it's not that simple. If I could simply "choose to be happy," I'd be happy. But I can't. I can choose to fake it, and sometimes that leads to real happiness. But mostly it doesn't. 

I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Go to a cheap therapist that I can afford, and hope he's better than my last cheap therapist? Go into debt? Go back to my bishop and beg? I honestly don't know. But I do know that I'm starting to hate my life again. And that's never a good sign. 

4 comments:

  1. You are still depressed, just not as severely. I'm so sorry you are suffering.

    Your bishop is wrong. He is human, it happens. You can't choose to be happy when your brain is sick. You can choose to be happy when you are coveting your neighbor's boat, bigger house, seeming lack of trouble, etc. You CAN choose to be content with your financial / social /etc situation.

    I would recommend going to LDS Family Services and explaining the situation. They may give you financial assistance in spite of your bishop rejecting your request. (Reduced cost, delayed payments, etc) I would mention you have been suicidal in the past and that you feel like you may be decompensating.

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  2. Blargh. People that don't understand depression frustrate me. ESPECIALLY people who think it can be solved somehow by being a "more devoted" church member or simply making a choice.

    Is there any way to get a referral that you can then show him? I don't know how that would work. Or if someone from LDS Family Services could be on your side and say "YES, she needs this."

    Good luck?

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  3. The problem with depression is it is different for everybody. Those who have never experienced it just can't know how difficult it can be. Furthermore, those who have never experienced YOUR depression (read: everyone) just can't know what you are experiencing.

    You need to take care of you. Because no one else will the way you do.

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  4. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get here and reply.

    I hate the in-between place...it feels like it'll go on forever and the thought of being there (which feels like nowhere) forever is more depressing than being in a more extreme place.

    I went through some suicidal years as a teenager when my OCD was intense. The thought of having to deal with OCD...which made me feel so dark and evil...for the rest of my life just made me want to quit...even when things weren't so bad. It was the never-ending aspect of things. That still gets to me sometimes today.

    Nothing can wear on you just as much as something.

    If you didn't tell your bishop you have a history of suicide, you should...but, also, you should definitely get help. This isn't a sign that you're better or mentally healthy...it's just a different sort of unwell.

    Also, this may sound weird, but make sure you're taking vitamins. I've found when I'm not taking vitamins--the days wear on me. Your diet/nutrition can impact your brain chemicals pretty seriously.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. *Hugs*

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