Hello!

So, it's been a few months. Quite a bit has happened. I haven't know what to say, or even if there is much to say, but I need to at least update from my last post. It's bugged me that I haven't done a follow-up until now. I guess I just haven't wanted to think about it.

I woke up July 22nd, and I was happy. Or at least, happier. Instead of walking to a hospital I put on a few loads of laundry. I read a few books. I went to an FHE thing with my dad.

It's been hard, having my mom home. Some days, she accepts the fact that I've been happy at my job, and seems ok with the fact that I love to nap. Other days she tries to push me to do better things and I just want to scream. It's not that I don't want to do better things. It's that I'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of disappointment. I don't handle rejection well. In fact, it destroys me. I'm still getting over my breakup. It was over 3 years ago. It still hurts.

But, yesterday I received a phone call that has given me a goal. Something to look forward to. Something to plan on. Something awesome.

My brother called. My brother from Houston. Paul. Paul is an accountant. He's working on his CPA. He's passed 1/4 of it. He's hoping to pass all of it by next year - July or August. And he wants to celebrate by spending a week in London. At first he asked our sister, Elizabeth, to go with him. She loves London. But, she went this year with my mom and dad. And so, apparently she's all 'Londoned Out' (is that even a thing? is that even possible?!? I doubt it). So, he invited me. And he made me a deal - if I pay for my plane ticket and all souveneers, tube passes, etc., he'll pay for my food and hotel.

So, now I have a goal: save up a couple thousand dollars by July/August, while paying back my parents. This means I probably will need a new job, since my current job is not paying me enough right now to save that much.

This may be the motivation I need to actually "do something with my life." *rolls eyes*

I honestly don't know what to put here

So. My mom comes home Tuesday. That's two days. This stresses me out more than basically anything else.

Know what triggers my depression? Stress.

So. Last week was a slow downward spiral until Friday when it sped up. And I started making plans. Real plans. For suicide.

Everything hurts. And the quickest and easiest way to get rid of that hurt is to die.

Don't worry, I've talked to friends and tomorrow I'm going to find a psych ward my insurance will cover and check myself in. If there isn't one....I can't think of that right now.

Part of me is wondering if this is just attention seeking. If it's because I don't want to clean my room, or because I don't want to go to work. But that's not me. Heck, I even went to work Saturday morning. Even feeling like crap.

So, we'll see what happens in the morning. I hope I can find somewhere. Because mental illness is hard enough, trying to deal with insurance is just making me want to give up faster.

I Made A Mistake

I got a job at Macey's. it's just part time, temporary, while I figure out what I should do/want to do.

I've worked there almost a month now, and I think I made a mistake when I was first hired. I went through orientation and was given lots of forms to fill out. Probably for the government. Some were for the government at least. 

Anyway, on one of the forms there was a question: "Do you have a disability?" And you could answer yes or no. I stared at that question for a long time (probably 2-3 minutes), before I ended up checking no. 

I know I have a disability, but I hate admiring it officially. It was this way in University, too. I was given letter to give to professors that gave me things like extra time for papers and leniency for absences. But I hated using them. So I wouldn't, until I had to. 

Well, yesterday was a long, hard, stressful day at work. And do you know what the number one trigger for my depression is? Stress! So, today has been, well, heck. It's a good thing I don't work today. But I'm worried about tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. Will I be able to get out of bed? Will I be able to make it to work on time? 

So, I'm regretting saying no. Because obviously the answer is yes, and I should have been honest and checked yes. And now I don't know what to do. How do I being up something like this? Especially since I don't have a therapist or psychiatrist anymore. How do I provide evidence that I do have a disability? 

I just don't know. But I hope I can figure it out soon. It would suck if I had to quit. 

On a Happier Note

On a whim, I decided to change my twitter profile picture. I choose a picture of a sculpture, outside BYU's Museum of Art. I took this in early January, while it was snowing. Someone commented on it, and I replied that I had quite a few shots of sculptures in the snow.

The exhibit is called "8-bit modern," and it is by Michael Whiting. The sculptures will be there until September 6, 2013, in case you live in Utah (or want to visit), and want to see them not covered in snow.

Here are the photos I took:

 A deer

 A floating duck

 A cat head (?)

 Floating duck from another angle

 Hiding duck

 There you are!

 Pidgin?

 Another duck

 Cat head head on

While looking for those pictures, I found these other pictures of snow that I thought I'd share with you, too. Enjoy!

My car buried in snow

 Snowy landscape, taken while my dad was driving

 Snowflakes on my car

 More snowflakes on my car

 Lots of snowflakes on my car!

 Snow on my front windshield (looking out)

 Another snowy landscape

Hoped you enjoyed these random photos of snow. In May. :^D

The In-Between Place

I'm in this in-between place. I've been here for years, it seems. I'm not really depressed, I can live a fairly normal life. I smile, I tell jokes. I do things with friends. I even have a job! But inside it feels like I'm faking it. All I want to do is stay in bed. But I don't, because I have some energy, I'm not constantly thinking about suicide, I'm ok. 

But that's the problem. I'm just ok. When I first came out of my depression-induced fog, this was great. I could smile again! There were times I was genuinely happy! Things were looking up. But, I've reached a plateau, and my mood is just...stuck. I'm not going down, but I'm not going up. And I think to myself, "really? Is this what life is supposed to be?"

Here's a little confession: I hate this in-between place. I'd rather be full-on depressed them where I am now. When I was depressed, all I could think about was suicide. My thoughts were full of how to commit suicide, or living minute by minute trying to stop myself from commuting suicide, mainly because I was in England and didn't want to put my parents through the hassle of having to ship my body home. Now that I'm out of that fog, I know that suicide is wrong, selfish, etc. and yet part of me wishes that I could go back to being that depressed, so I could actually kill myself and not feel so guilty about it. 

I know I need to see a therapist. I went and talked to my bishop about getting financial help to pay for therapy. At first he was ok with it but when I went back the following week, he told me he didn't think I needed a therapist. He told me my life was great, all I need to do is remember to "choose today to be happy," and do lots of service, and I'd be great. The thing is, it's not that simple. If I could simply "choose to be happy," I'd be happy. But I can't. I can choose to fake it, and sometimes that leads to real happiness. But mostly it doesn't. 

I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Go to a cheap therapist that I can afford, and hope he's better than my last cheap therapist? Go into debt? Go back to my bishop and beg? I honestly don't know. But I do know that I'm starting to hate my life again. And that's never a good sign. 

Lost

What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground? Do you pick up the pieces all around?

It's time to face the facts. All my dreams are shattered. Well, except the one I just completed: graduating from BYU. Other than that, everything has failed. Everything I ever wanted is gone. Out of reach. 

Perhaps not forever, but far enough into the future that I can't see them. far enough away that I don't even know which path would take me to them. I'm trying to imagine myself in 5 years, 1 year, 6 months, or heck even one month is a big fog-bank. I close my eyes and try to see where I might be in two weeks and I see nothing. 

By this time I knew that I'd be married. After all, who graduated from BYU single? No one. Or very few. But it's been over a year since someone asked me out. It's been over 8 months since I asked out a guy and he turned me down. As I look at myself, I see the shut-in I wish to become. I'm still getting over my last (and only) relationship. I wonder - who on earth would ever want to marry me? 

My main problem is that I've never wanted a career. Never. Ever. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Once upon a time I wanted to be an author but that dream is so deep and buried, I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring it back. But in any case, I never wanted to work. I never wanted a job. I only wanted to be a mom. I knew that an education was important, and I knew I wanted to graduate from BYU. But I could never figure out what I wanted to be. You could see that in my several different majors - I jumped from Photography to Accounting, Computer Science (with an Animation Emphasis!) to Home and Family Life, Math to Psychology. I did give several 'practical' majors a shot - I really tried with Accounting and Computer Science. And if I had succeeded in enjoying the classes, and being good at the subjects, I'd be able to have a reasonable career now. 

But I didn't. On a crazy whim/prompting/thought I changed my major to Psychology. And there it stayed. And there's little I can do with a Bachelor's  And my GPA is so ruined, I'm not sure I could get into a Master's program, even if I was sure that was something I wanted to do right now. 

So, I'm stuck. I picked up an application to work at a grocery store today. A college grad. Working at a grocery store for little more than minimum wage. Is this what my life has become? What my life will be? 

I feel pathetic. Like a loser. Like I should have a dream other than being married. I understand I need to be able to stand on my own. I understand that I shouldn't need a guy for me to be happy. I should be awesome and amazing on my own, and if a guy shows up, woot. But I'm not that girl. I don't know if I ever was. I'm scared to go out into the world on my own, and I don't know what to do. 

I'm just so lost.

The Position of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on the Issue of Suicide

Earlier today I asked Twitter if they'd be interested in reading the paper I wrote on the church's official position on suicide. I got a few responses, all in the affirmative, so here it is. I will be posting 3 parts: the summery/conclusion, which is a summary of the quotes I found; personal insights, which are reasons why I choose this topic (I could choose anything to look up the Church's position); and sources of all my quotes. I had to have at least two quotes by Presidents of the Church, the combined first presidency, or other official church sources (LDS Newsroom, Church Handbook of Instruction, etc.). I could then supplement with quotes from other general authorities (and I did). 

Conclusion/Summary

            From the attached research, I find the position of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on the issue of suicide to be:

                        The Church is against suicide, but it recognizes that those who commit suicide aren’t always in their proper state of mind and as such may not be held responsible for their decision.

            President Spencer W. Kimball said, “It is a terrible criminal act for a person to go out and shorten his life by suicide” (1982). However, he also said, “To commit suicide is a sin if one is normal in his thinking” (italics added). Far too many people fall into depression and don’t get help, either because they do not recognize what is happening, they don’t think they need help, or they can’t afford it. All of these are tragic, and any of them could lead to suicide.

Unfortunately, many family members and friends of those who commit suicide believe that all hope is lost and that their loved one is stuck in the telestial kingdom forever (Ballard, 1987). But this is not true.

            The Church Handbook of Instruction, states: “It is wrong to take a life, including one’s own. However, a person who commits suicide may not be responsible for his or her acts. Only God can judge such a matter” (2010).

            Elder Bruce R. McConkie, formerly of the Quorum of the Twelve, defined suicide as “the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind” (1966). With this definition, it’s hard to know exactly how many people are taking their own lives have a sound mind, and thus are condemned. It’s good to take this all into consideration.

            D&C 138: 57-59 discusses those who die “under the bondage of sin,” stating that “after they have paid the penalty of their transgressions, and are washed clean, shall receive a reward according to their works.” This points to a situation where someone might have been a good member of the church, following the commandments, doing what they’re supposed to, and if they fall victim to depression and kill themselves, their good works will not be for naught.

Personal Insights

            I have a very personal reason to research this topic. As you may remember, I took your class in the fall of 2009 but had to withdraw at the end of October. My granddad had died, and I went over to England to help my mom go through his house and properly dispose of his belongings. But even before that, I was struggling. You see, in September of that year I was diagnosed with depression, and I spent the rest of the year severely depressed and suicidal (luckily in January I was able to see a psychiatrist and things have gotten better). During those few months, every day was a challenge. And so back then, I decided to research this for my paper, mainly to see what would be my fate if I choose to do such a thing.

            To me, this information is both a comfort and a warning. If my depression comes back so bad and so fast that I do lose clarity of mind, and decide that the world would be better without me, I would not be automatically damned for committing suicide. On the other hand, if I decide today that life is just really hard and I just don’t feel like completing this earthly test, I would be held more accountable in that state of mind. In neither instance is suicide in any way a good thing, or endorsed, but in the first one it is more understood.

Research

Official Statements:

“It is a terrible criminal act for a person to go out and shorten his life by suicide”

“To commit suicide is a sin if one is normal in his thinking.”

Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 187.)

It is wrong to take a life, including one’s own. However, a person who commits suicide may not be responsible for his or her acts. Only God can judge such a matter.

            Church Handbook of Instruction, 2010

“I beheld that the faithful elders of this dispensation, when they depart from mortal life, continue their labors in the preaching of the gospel of repentance and redemption, through the sacrifice of the Only Begotten Son of God, among those who are in darkness and under the bondage of sin in the great world of the spirits of the dead.

“The dead who repent will be redeemed, through obedience to the ordinances of the house of God,

“And after they have paid the penalty of their transgressions, and are washed clean, shall receive a reward according to their works, for they are heirs of salvation.”

D&C 138:57–59

Other sources:

“Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.”

            Mormon Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 771

 I know that any fully rational person who contemplates suicide must realize what a terribly selfish act this is. Peace came to me only when I recognized that only the Lord could administer fair judgment. He alone had all the facts, and only He would know the intent of the heart of my friend. I was reconciled with the idea that a lifetime of goodness and service to others must surely be considered by the Lord in judging the life of a person.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.

I draw an important conclusion from the words of the Prophet: Suicide is a sin—a very grievous one, yet the Lord will not judge the person who commits that sin strictly by the act itself. The Lord will look at that person’s circumstances and the degree of his accountability at the time of the act.

            Elder M. Russell Ballard – Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not. October 1987 Ensign